“I know most of the Corgis in my neighborhood by name.”
“Well, I know all of the drug dealers on my block by name.”
7 notes
Recently on Twitter, a Libra posted: “Tell me when all this is going to end! I can’t take another minute of this!” Libra has certainly been under great pressure, perhaps more than any other sign. The problem has been that Saturn was on your Sun when it was in Libra from 2009 to 2012. When Saturn finally left, you did not get the relief you imagined you would, because another planet, Uranus, was right behind Saturn, ready to oppose your Sun beginning March 2011.
Billy Bragg, Waiting for the Great Leap Forward (Live on Late Night with David Letterman, 1988)
The other day I was waiting for the light to change at 100th and Broadway when I felt a swift thwack against my ankle.
I turned around to see a blind woman wearing a bedazzled kitten sweatshirt, arms loaded with bags from the nearby Walgreens. The object that had struck me was her seeing-eye stick, which she jabbed forcefully as she started to speak.
“Excuse me.”
“Yes?”
“Are you coming or going?”
“Pardon?”
“I SAID, are you COMING or GOING? What are you DOING?”
“I’m just waiting for the light to change so I can cross the street.”
“No, you’re not, you’re just standing there!”
At this point another person had reached the corner and heard the woman’s voice rise (it was somehow high-pitched but also booming, which is rarer than you might think).
“Do you need help, ma’am?”, the third person asked politely.
“No, I don’t need help! I’m just trying to get away from this lady!”, the first woman answered, pointing her finger at me.
I felt my face get hot, like I’d done something wrong, even though I was (and still am) fairly certain nothing about my waiting on the corner patiently was offensive.
I gave up hoping the light would change and darted across the street quickly. Walking home I wondered if I should have said something else, but it’s three days later now and I still haven’t the faintest idea what that something else could possibly have been.
Do you think if I hide behind this curtain of hair long enough my advisor will stop emailing me to ask for the chapters I promised him this morning?
Top-tier friend Jonathan saw this and somehow had the wherewithal to capture an image for me.
Originally Posted By laphamsquarterly
The otherness of the animal makes it the perfect emissary to the spirit world. Since we can’t know what an animal knows, we are free to imagine it knows a great deal we don’t. We speak of acute sensitivities to the ethereal, and in horror films it anticipates the evil threat lurking close at hand—the very peril its master happily blunders into. The paradox of pets: they can be loyal, intimate companions, but they cannot save us from ourselves. They remind us of our uniquely human weakness, insignificance and dread.
The Capitol Building ghost cat should be on printed money.
Originally Posted By laphamsquarterly
You think becoming Miss America is tough? Try winning the International Goldfish Championship—there were over 3,000 entrants last year alone!
For more on the finest specimens of the animal kingdom, check out the Charts and Graphs section of Animals, the Spring 2013 issue of Lapham’s Quarterly.
My worst nightmare is being asked to judge a Corgi competition. I’m already paralyzed with indecision about what to eat for lunch—how on Earth would I pick perfection out of perfection?
Where are my glasses?
“You reap what you—”
“Don’t.”
